I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dignity is for republicans.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
