fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
