never play flip cup with pint glasses
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Randomize
