yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
