he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
