Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
