I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
