So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
