When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
