this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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