After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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