How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
