The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
