We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
