K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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