Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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