My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
