he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Of course I have a pirate flag
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
