JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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