I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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