Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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