I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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