Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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