moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
