I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize