I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
