Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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