It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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