Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
