highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
