do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think my nap took me to another dimension
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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