I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
