One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
