What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
