Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
