Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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