This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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