This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
