Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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