I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
