I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
