With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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