Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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