Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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