yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
