my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
