I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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