Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
