so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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