i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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