Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
