boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
