My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
