were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
