I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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