Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I need moral support for this bender
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
