im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
